Finding Calm in Everyday Life – What It Really Means

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(And Why It's Not What You Think)

Do you know that feeling when you walk away from a situation thinking: How did that throw me so completely off balance?

Maybe it was a difficult conversation with an employee that took an unexpected turn. A client who remains unhappy despite your best efforts. A team meeting where you realize you're no longer as calm on the inside as you appear on the outside.

Or it was something completely ordinary. A tailor who doesn't have your coat ready on time. A stranger in a café who makes an unwelcome remark. Your partner who doesn't finish tidying the kitchen.

Big or small – the reaction comes. Faster than you want it to.

I know this very well. And the good news is that inner calm isn't something some people simply have – and others don't. It's not a character trait you're born with or without.

Calmness is not a personality trait. It's an inner state that can be developed. Not through willpower or self-discipline, but through a deeper understanding of how our experience is created – and where silent judgments and expectations make the path harder than it needs to be.

That's what this article is about.

What Inner Calm Really Is

Inner calm doesn't mean nothing touches you anymore. It doesn't mean smiling nicely while you're exploding on the inside. That's people-pleasing – and it has nothing to do with calmness.

I confused the two for a long time. Appearing calm on the outside while the traffic light inside was already on red – that didn't make me relax. It exhausted me.

Real calm and composure, for me, is the ability to pause a moment earlier. Just before the reaction kicks in. To see where my frustration or reaction is really coming from.

Not always – but more often. It's also the ability to stay connected to yourself when things get uncomfortable. Not to duck away, not to escalate. Simply to be with yourself.

In the Three Principles, we call this a higher state of consciousness – and from there, everything looks just a little bit clearer.

And when it doesn't work out? Then inner calm is also this: accepting yourself as you are in that moment. We are human. We react. It will keep happening. The only question is how quickly we find our way back to ourselves.

Why It's Never the Tailor's Fault

I dropped my coat off at the tailor's. And when I came back four weeks later, nothing had been done. Nothing. He hadn't even started.

Inside, I went from cold water to boiling hot water in an instant, as if I were a pressure cooker. In terms of inner calmness, I failed – with a capital F.

It all happened very fast, but I could observe myself in the midst of it: I was neither genuinely kind nor understanding, nor did I clearly say how I felt or what I needed now.

Instead, I slipped out of the shop like a small, sulky child, resolved nothing, and made no new agreement about how we'd move forward.

I simply left.

What really triggered me?

It wasn't the coat. It wasn't the tailor.

It was my unfulfilled expectations. The story I had brought with me: I gave the tailor plenty of time. I was patient. And now this!

In less than two seconds, my inner state had dropped. So quickly that I couldn't catch it as it was falling.

When I talked about it with my podcast partner, Sandra Heim, later on, she said:

A person who had just fallen in love would probably have walked out of that shop completely relaxed. No problem, I'll come back in two weeks. And would have genuinely meant it.

I knew, of course, that she was right.

Because it is never about the external situation, nor about the other person – even though it so often seems that way.

It is always about what we bring with us on the inside. We feel our own thinking in the moment. Always.

That's the good news and the bad news at the same time. It's also the heart of what makes the Three Principles so liberating: if experience is created from the inside, it can also change from the inside – without anything on the outside needing to change at all.

Separate Realities – And Why Understanding Them Is Freeing

Sydney Banks, whose insights form the foundation of my work in the Three Principles, says: "We all live in separate realities."

This means every person carries their own construct of thoughts, expectations, experiences – and, by the way, moods – with them. At any given time, no other person lives in exactly the same reality as you.

When I remember this, things get easier.

I pause for a moment and think: Hold on – maybe it's not quite the way I'm seeing it right now. Maybe I'm misreading the situation. Or maybe the tailor has something going on that I know nothing about.

(As it turned out, he hadn't been able to get the black velvet for my coat collar, and he didn't have my mobile number to let me know. Had I stayed curious instead of reactive, I would have found that out much sooner.)

Curiosity as the Key to Inner Calm

I often think of my friend and fellow coach Lea Wernli when the topic of calm and composure comes up.

She moves through the world with a lightness that never ceases to fascinate me. As if she has simply set down most of the inner judgments and expectations the rest of us carry around.

Once, she was visiting her friend Helga in Berlin. In a café, she ordered a latte. The barista called it out – cow's milk. A man at the next table heard. He was vegan, deeply so, and he didn't hesitate to let her know.

She smiled at him and said: "Tell me more."

Instead of reacting with offense or shutting down, she stayed curious. What moves this person? What's behind his conviction? What's his story?

This isn't naive looking away. It's a choice. A decision to stay open, rather than sinking into the need to be right.

The need to be right, by the way … that's one of the biggest thieves of inner calm. And I know it very well myself. I dropped the coat off four weeks ago. He said it would be ready in two weeks. And now?

That's all true. But even if I'm right – what do I really gain from insisting on it? My peace of mind, certainly not. In that moment, I'm no longer really in a relationship with the other person. I'm only occupied with being right. Whereas curiosity would be so much lighter.

Expectations vs. Agreements –
A Difference That Changes Everything

My favorite practical tip for more calm in your relationships and interactions comes from Steve Chandler, a well-known Three Principles coach and author who has written an extraordinary number of books. He asks one simple question:

Do you have an agreement?

Not an expectation – a real agreement. One where the other person has genuinely said yes.

I tried this in my own everyday life – with my husband, over the kitchen. For years, I would silently seethe whenever he unloaded the dishwasher and left the rest of the kitchen looking, from my perspective, like a disaster zone.

A greasy pan still sitting on the stove, countertops nobody had wiped, and three clean Tupperware containers plus a serving spoon parked next to the sink – instead of where they actually belong.

I mean – the man has lived in this house for twenty years. He knows where the fridge is. He can find his way to the bathroom in the dark. But where the serving spoon lives? Complete mystery. What a clean kitchen actually looks like? Apparently, no idea.

I said nothing. I swallowed my frustration quietly and very un-calmly. I expected him to know – and assumed he simply wasn't bothered.

But he genuinely didn't know. He had no idea what "starting and finishing the kitchen" meant to me.

So one quiet evening, when we were both in a good place, we sat down together and went through exactly what it means. Pots put away, pans washed and dried, surfaces wiped down, dog food tidied under the shelf. The whole thing.

And then (imagine this) – he said: "Yeah, I can do that. I just never realized what was important to you."

And that was that. Ever since, it has worked perfectly. Because we have a clear agreement.

It sounds almost too simple. But I'm telling you, that one quiet evening did more for my peace of mind than years of silently swallowing my frustration.

The question I ask myself now (in different situations with different people):

Do I actually have an agreement here – or just an expectation living in my head that the other person knows nothing about?

What Calm People Do Differently

We can't cover everything about inner calm in one article, but I've tried to distill it into a few points below. Not as a checklist to tick off, but as an invitation to reflect upon:

Calm people know that our experience is created from the inside – and don't wait for the right circumstances to feel at ease.

Calm people know that we live in separate realities – and acknowledge that their own perspective is not the only truth.

Calm people stay curious – rather than reacting and judging.

Calm people make agreements – rather than carrying expectations around that others don't know about.

Calm people wait for a yes – they ask. They are open to a no.

Calm people observe themselves – they notice when they lose it, and they forgive themselves for it.

Inner Calm Is Not a Technique.
It's a Path.

It's a path of awareness. Not a destination you reach once and then have forever.

It's about small steps. Seeing a little more truth. Looking a little more consciously. That alone can lead to a completely different feeling in life.

And perhaps, if we're honest, inner calm is also a form of self-love. Others benefit from it, yes. But first and foremost, it's simply more pleasant for you.

What throws you out of your calm? When do you lose your composure?
I'd love to hear from you. I read and respond to every message:
[email protected]

This article was inspired by an episode of the Leichter Leben podcast, which Sandra Heim and I record together in German. If you understand German (or are curious enough to give it a try), you're very welcome to listen here: Leichter Leben Podcast – Gelassener werden im Alltag

Shailia Stephens is a Life & Business Coach based near Frankfurt am Main. She guides leaders, entrepreneurs, and perfectly ordinary people in the middle of their wonderful lives back to inner calm and effortless success – grounded in the Three Principles of Sydney Banks.