Being Yourself: What Uncomfortable Feelings Have to Do With It

Being myself. Sounds simple. It's not.

Everyone actually wants it. To be more authentic. To be more themselves. Not the version you put on for certain people or situations – but really yourself. Unfiltered. Real. True.

And yet there are moments when you realize: I'm not really myself right now. I'm talking around what I actually want to say. I'm nodding when inside I'm shaking my head. I'm saying yes when I mean no. I'm being fake.

Sometimes you notice it right away. Sometimes only afterward.

Why is it so hard? And what does it have to do with feelings you'd rather not feel?

That's what this article is about.

Why It's So Hard to Stay True to Yourself

My dear coaching colleague and podcast partner Sandra Heim recently explored this very thing in a training with other experienced coaches. Each person collected situations where it's hard to stay true to themselves.

Naming a higher price for your own work. Saying no to a request. Standing up for your own opinion even when it's uncomfortable. Speaking something the other person might not want to hear.

And then they played these situations out in a roleplay.

What she observed:

"I have a total tendency to beat around the bush. I tell a lot of stories, wrap everything in cotton wool, eventually get to the point – or decide at the last moment not to. Oh, it's not that important anyway. I'll do it anyway, even though I don't want to."

And then came the pivotal question:

What is she really avoiding?

The answer was simple. She was avoiding a feeling.

A single uncomfortable feeling.

The feeling of going against the grain and possibly being rejected for it.

That's all.

The Uncomfortable Feeling Behind Every Avoidance

Sydney Banks, whose discoveries form the foundation of my Three Principles coaching work, once said: "If people weren't afraid of their own experience, they would live much more peacefully."

At first glance, that sounds abstract. But when I apply it to these concrete moments, it makes immediate sense.

When we say a price that feels too high, for example, a feeling of unease arises. Of vulnerability. Of: "What if they say no?"

When we tell someone something that's hard to hear, a feeling comes up: "I could hurt her. She might feel judged."

When we want to voice a dissenting opinion in a group, a very primal feeling emerges. Something like: "If I say this now, I'll be cast out. Abandoned."

It sounds exaggerated. And yet that's what happens in the head and body. In milliseconds.

It's what evolutionary psychology calls the chimp brain: the part that responds to social exclusion the same way it responds to a real physical threat.

The part that says:

"Careful. Don't say that. Don't do that. You won't belong here anymore."

And that uncomfortable, barely tolerable feeling – whatever form it takes in the moment – is why we so often get in our own way.

What We Hide Shows Itself Anyway

There's a scene in my mind's eye that I recently talked about with Sandra.

Mr. George was my math teacher in middle school. He wore a toupee. Most students knew it, but it had never really registered with me.

Until the day of the basketball game between the school faculty and us students, when an athletic boy accidentally knocked his toupee off, and it landed right in the center of the basketball court. In front of the whole school.

As a teenager, I was stunned. After that, it was hard to talk to him normally. My eyes kept wandering to his head, right to his toupee.

What makes this image so fitting is that toupees don't really work. You can often tell when someone is wearing one. What's meant to be hidden tends to be the most obvious thing in the room.

And with soul toupees – a term coined by renowned Three Principles coach Jamie Smart – it's exactly the same.

Whatever we try to hide, whatever we don't want to show – others feel it anyway. The uncertainty. The tension. The half-finished sentences. The slight hesitation before the answer comes.

We think we're hiding something. In reality, the hiding makes it even more visible.

Being Myself – From the Expert to the Real Shailia

I know this very well from my own story.

In the early years of my coaching business, I tried to show the competent Shailia. The professional Shailia. The expert with methods, facts, and helpful paths forward.

What I held back: that I'm actually warmhearted. Soft. Intuitive. Compassionate. Loving. Spiritual. That this is the very core of who I am and what makes me good at what I do.

Back then, I thought: "If I show this part of me, it won't come across as well. It won't sound professional enough. It won't sell."

What I experienced when I began to let go – when I stopped hiding my true self – has shaped me ever since: I became more successful. Not in spite of it. But precisely because of it.

And yet the feeling I had to tolerate was significant and deeply present every single time.

That feeling of "I'm making myself vulnerable. My softer, truer self can be laughed at. Overlooked. Not taken seriously."

I still feel it today. For example, every time Sandra and I send a podcast episode out into the world. Knowing that people who don't know me well will experience me the way I actually am.

In a coaching session, I'm in a specific role. I lead. I have a clear direction. A certain authority. That's the deal.

But in our podcast, I'm simply myself. Conversational. Relatively unfiltered. With quirky, inarticulate moments. With my American accent, including grammatical slip-ups.

With everything that I am. Sometimes confident and bold. Other times, self-conscious and uncertain.

And that feeling – I have to tolerate it. Every single time.

What Happens When We Are Ourselves Anyway

I recently worked in a coaching session with a woman I've known for years. She is caring, so funny, and motherly in the best sense of the word. In our conversations together, she is completely herself.

And then I saw her LinkedIn posts.

She came across as almost like a different person. More professional. More distant. The warmth that actually defines her – nowhere to be found.

We talked about it. And then I asked her something:

"Imagine you were the way you are right now, everywhere you show up. Simply you. What would that feel like?"

She took a deep breath. A quiet, almost inaudible: whoa.

"That would be amazing."

And then I asked:

"What would that mean for the people who encounter you? The ones who are hungry for real connection. For real perspectives. For someone who lets them see underneath the kimono."

In that moment, she began to see it.

The most valuable thing she has to offer is not the polished version. Not the curated presentation. It's her real self.

And that's true for all of us.

The Key: Tolerate the Uncomfortable Feeling

There is one answer to the question of how you stay true to yourself. It's simple. And at the same time, it's one of the hardest things I know.

Tolerate the damn uncomfortable feeling!

The feeling that comes up when you say what you really think in a meeting – even though you know it will shift the atmosphere. When you finally admit, after a long period of exhaustion, that you're not doing well. When you draw a boundary in a relationship that's been overdue for far too long. When you stop pretending you have everything under control.

Whatever your particular feeling is, and however it shows up, it is not a signal to protect yourself or put on a mask. It's a signal that you're at the edge. The edge between the performed self and the real one.

When you decide not to betray yourself. When you walk through the feeling … all the way to the other side, something happens.

You claim new territory.

You become a little more of yourself.

There's something else to this too: when you stand by your own truth, you give the people around you something important. You treat them as someone who can handle it. As someone capable of dealing with reality.

Real boundaries, real nos, real opinions, real warmth, real tenderness – whatever YOUR self is – have something empowering about them. For everyone involved.

Be Gentle With Yourself Along the Way

I want to say one more thing before I close this article.

This is not a call for perfection. It's not a new standard to measure yourself against.

There will be situations where it doesn't work. Where the chimp brain was faster than your deeper knowing. Where you think afterward: there I was again, not quite myself.

That's human. That still happens to me.

What helps is not picking up the whip. What helps is to observe it, accept it, and keep going. The next situation will come. And maybe then, you'll be a little more you.

That's not failure. That's growth. A gentle, slow, real process.

Frequently Asked Questions About Staying True to Yourself

Why is it so hard to stay true to yourself?
Because the brain experiences social exclusion as a real threat and responds accordingly. When we voice our true opinion, show our limits, or make ourselves vulnerable, an archaic part of us speaks up: "Careful, this could be dangerous." That feeling is normal and healthy – but it's not a reliable guide.

What does authenticity have to do with uncomfortable feelings?
Everything. Behind every moment of self-betrayal, there's a feeling we don't want to feel. The situation isn't the problem – the feeling is. When you learn to tolerate these feelings, you no longer have to bend yourself out of shape.

How can I learn to show up more as myself?
Not through willpower, but through small steps. Notice the situations where you tend to avoid showing who you are. Ask yourself: what feeling am I avoiding right now? And then – once, very small – walk through it anyway. That's the beginning.

Do others notice when I'm not really being myself?
Yes. The soul toupee doesn't really work. Whatever we want to hide, others feel it. The tension, the half-sentences, the slight hesitation. Being real isn't just liberating for us – it's also what genuinely moves other people.

Is it selfish to show my own truth?
No. Actually, the opposite is true: when you stand by your authentic truth, you treat other people as someone who can handle it. You respect their ability to deal with reality. Real boundaries, real nos, real warmth – that's not selfish. That's respectful.

You are not broken for sometimes wearing a mask
We all do it. In some situations, more; in others, less. There's nothing wrong with the fact that your chimp brain is sometimes louder than your deepest truth. That's human. There's only this one invitation: become aware of when you're avoiding. And ask yourself what's behind that avoidance. Most of the time, it's a feeling. A brief, intense, uncomfortable feeling. One that you can absolutely tolerate. And that is worth tolerating.